So, you've invited someone or have been asked for a date. Feeling terrific? … or terrified? Here are some helpful hints and practical survival strategies for keeping that anticipation from turning to anxiety - before, during and after your first date.

PRE-DATE TIPS:

First of all, it's OK to feel excited and nervous. You can bet he/she is feeling the same way. Many of us last practiced the art of successful dating years ago, so the resurgence of teenage awkwardness or anxiousness is perfectly understandable. It helps to learn to express those emotions, both verbally and physically, to diminish your discomfort. Try a combination of breathing, motion and sound to shake off the unwanted anxiety -- like stating, "Brrr, I'm nervous" while shaking your arms and legs. After a couple of deep breaths you'll be surprised to find yourself feeling much more calm and relaxed.

Practice some positive self-talk and creative visualization, so you don't psyche yourself out even before you get there. Our feelings are created from our thoughts, and our behavior is generated from those feelings, so thinking positively creates positive feelings, which in turn create positive behaviors. Thoughts are essentially formulated in either pictures or words, so take a few minutes each day before the date (first thing in the morning or last thing at night tends to work best) to visualize yourself being calm and confident and having fun on your date. Allow yourself to make the image as detailed and vivid as possible and say things to yourself like "I am attractive, interesting, intelligent and fun to be with," or "I have the capacity to adjust well in any situation and I get along well with others". You'll be amazed at how changing those old negative tapes to positive ones will help you put your best self forward.

Get as much information as you need ahead of time to assist in basic planning for your date. Don't take the risk of being uncomfortable or inappropriately dressed, and if you're unsure what the occasion calls for in the way of attire, ask your date what he/she is wearing, how much walking will be involved, etc. It's OK to ask questions and it's OK to suggest alternatives if you're uncomfortable with a proposed activity your date has suggested. And, the more information you have about what to expect, the less the anxiety of being unprepared.

You have the right to go at your own pace and to set limits when appropriate. If you're not comfortable getting to know someone over a late night dinner or an extended amount of time, suggest a counterproposal of lunch, or some other daytime activity, perhaps even including your own transportation as an option. Spending some time talking to your prospective date over the phone is helpful also, to maximize your sense of familiarity with the person and establish common interests. It is essential to take care of yourself, because the more comfortable you feel, the more you can relax and enjoy yourself, and the more you'll maximize your date's enjoyment as well.

DURING THE DATE:

If you feel anxious or awkward while you're with your date, expressing it verbally will reduce the magnitude of the feeling, and will give your date permission to express his/her own anxiety. Talking about your feelings is one of the most honest forms of communication, and sharing a bit of awkwardness or anxiety can be one of the first things you can giggle about having in common. It will also help focus your conversation on a deeper level than cocktail party chitchat.

A good rule of thumb when attempting to maintain a conversation with someone you don't know very well is to ask two questions, then provide one piece of information. For example, "What do you do for a living?… Do you enjoy your work?… I've been in business for 10 years." This simple strategy allows for a dialogue, instead of a monologue on either side, enables you to gather important information about each other, and reduces awkward silences.

Questions to ask your date include a good balance of information about his/ her past, present, and hopes for the future. Historical questions might relate to past experiences, his/her family of origin, and history of relationships. Present day questions relate to what his/her life is like now and how he/she feels, and questions about future may include what he/she'd like to be doing 5-10 years from now. Only ask questions you'd be comfortable answering and remember that past behavior is a solid way to predict future behavior. Essentially, your questioning needs to be focused around finding out how your values, expectations, and goals match up. In healthy relationships self-disclosure proceeds from a moderate to deeper level over time, so beware of too much or too little disclosing by you or your date in the initial stages of relationship building.

Differences attract us to each other, but commonalities create a strong foundation for friendship and long-term companionship. Being sure that your expectations match or recognizing if they're different is probably the single most important way to protect yourself from inflicting or receiving unnecessary hurt. If you're looking for a permanent and committed relationship but your date is simply wanting to enjoy a freewheeling lifestyle, stating those desires up front can help clarify both people's intentions and assist you in getting to know the person you're with instead of a fantasy figure you'll be disillusioned with later on.

Interestingly, women are usually responsible for initiating physical contact during a date. Men tend to respond more to cues, and hesitate to touch until they sense a woman is comfortable, so be sure you're communicating your wants accurately with body language as well as verbally.

Remember that you are not being tested, nor are you testing another's value or worth as a person. Keep in mind that you're simply looking for a mutually good fit, and that if the fit is not right for either of you, it is not a negative judgment on either party. For example, if you like a certain type of music and a friend does not like it, it is not a comment on the quality, value or desirability of that music. Rather, it simply says something about you and your friend's different taste, style, history, timing, etc. Similarly, in relationships, if you do not choose to pursue a relationship with another person or vice versa, it doesn't mean either of you is not good, valuable, attractive, etc. So, a "no" is not equal to a rejection - it simply signifies a mismatch, and often has more to do with timing than any characteristic or quality.

As the date is nearing a close, if you're interested in seeing that person again, make mention of your interest to continue contact, especially if you were the respondent and not the initiator of the first date. People really cannot read each other's minds and it's much more direct and honest to tell the person that you enjoyed the time together and would like to do it again, rather than waiting and hoping he/she gets the message.

POST-DATE STRATEGIES:

If Mr./Ms. Right doesn't call right away, it is not a reflection on your self worth, nor is it proof that he/she is not interested in you. Remind yourself that not all situations will work out and monitor your expectations to make sure they're realistic.

If you are really interested in that other person, you may want to call to restate your desire to see him/her again. If he/she declines and you value his/her perceptions, you may want to request some feedback about the reason. Again, remember that a /lno/l does not equal a rejection of you as long as you accept yourself, and if you are courageous enough to hear feedback, chances are you will learn and grow from the experience.

If you don't want to maintain contact and the other person does, be gentle but honest. Don't string him/her along with excuses or give reasons without a direct request, and caution against making judgments. Using "I think. . . ." or "I feel. . ." rather than ''You are. . ." helps promote non-defensiveness, and recognize that a piece of constructive criticism may be a gift to help the other person be more successful on his/her next date.

Above all, be yourself and know that self is good enough. If you don't bring yourself to a relationship you'll never know whether that person likes you or just the character you were playing on that particular evening. There are people out there who will match beautifully with each and every one of us, so relax, enjoy yourself and remember that saying about kissing a few frogs before meeting your prince/princess.

If you found a prospective relationship, found a friend, simply shared an interesting evening with someone or even learned what not to do again, your date was successful. It's important to find something to value in yourself and your behavior, so stroke yourself for taking the risk, and remember that as we become less self-critical it's easier to look at others without judgment or blame.

And finally, in the words of Fritz Perls: I am not in this world to live up to your expectations. You are not in this world to live up to mine. You are you and I am I. And if by chance we find each other, it's beautiful. If not, then not…

Also from 2 Magazine:
"Screen Testing Your Date"